When Feminism Shames Femininity

I've been stewing this for a while and have come back to this blog many times to delete and re-write the whole thing... but today I saw an article about a garden centre which removed two products because they were 'sexist and insulting'.

A customer complained that these signs were 'patronising and insulting' and insisted that 

"I don't want people telling my granddaughter what she should do to be a proper girl like painting her nails and baking cupcakes while boys are climbing trees, building forts, and going on adventures and doing all the exciting things in life."

...as though 'boys' activities are better. That 'girls' activities are not as good - are boring and unexciting.

As a woman, I love to sew and bake and plant flowers. I enjoy hosting and cooking and singing. Call me old fashioned, but I love these things - they bring joy and colour into my life and whilst you might find it insulting that a girl would be encouraged to do these things, I find it insulting that someone might see my femininity as invaluable enough to be an insult.

Don't get me wrong - I appreciate that people are different, and I'm all for girls doing the stereotypical 'boy' things too - I also love climbing trees and hanging upside down from monkey bars (yes, even at the grand old age of 23!). I love to go running and camping and sausages are always best on an open fire! (...and if boys want to do the stereotypical 'girl' things, I have no problem with that either!)

I am all for equal opportunities and all that... But I am also a woman who actually likes to do the 'stereotypical' female things, and it feels like society is getting so caught up in feminism that we're starting to shame femininity.

I am a woman. 

I am valuable - no more or less than a man. 

I am incredibly fortunate to live in a country where I have opportunities and choices - no more or less than a man. 

...But whilst I fully support equality of value regardless of gender, I also choose to embrace femininity... so I will bake and sew and have tea parties to my heart's content, and you're welcome any time!

Again, please stop asking when I'm going to get married!

Around 2 years ago, I wrote a blog post called 'Please stop asking me when I'm going to get married!' ...shortly afterwards the guy I'd written about in that post; the one whom the ladies at church had been winking at(!), asked me to be his girlfriend. We've had the most wonderful months since then, getting to know one another and doing our best to figure out how we do this 'dating' thing as Christians in a way that best honours God and honours each other. 

So for those who kept asking me when I was going to meet 'a nice young man,' I now can point them in the direction of my best friend - a 'nice young man' who's love for God drew my heart to his.

...but the question hasn't gone away, and with our lives becoming more and more filled with news of friends' engagements, weddings and even babies, it only seems to be becoming all the more frequent.

As though maybe we've made such a big decision and chosen not to tell you...?!

I love this 'nice young man' with all my heart, and I can't imagine a future without him, but if we choose to spend that future together, it's likely to last a long time... so I'd rather know that we've both taken the time we need to be sure of our choice to love one another for the entirety of it. And until then, I'd rather spend the present living in the present. 

I know your question is well meant; a desire to celebrate with us? A gentle nudge towards what you think will be a great life for us? ...but in all honesty, it's not helping with that whole 'living in the present' thing.

Thank you; genuinely, for your well meant thoughts. But can I suggest something else? 

Next time you want to ask whether that question has been asked, ask us instead what we're learning about love. Ask us what we're learning about Jesus through one another. Ask us how we're doing with figuring out the way we're choosing to date as Christians.

...the truth is, our lives are about more than our relationship status (thank God!). Married or not, we will have good days and bad days, we will be learning and growing, hoping and dreaming, struggling and celebrating. We will be running towards Jesus and doing our best to live our lives in the way that he designed us to live them... and we'd love to share them with you!

#ItsNotJesus

There are 2 viral hashtags going around at the moment, #thingschristianwomenhear and #youdontknowevangelicals

Reading through twitter this evening, some of them have made me laugh out loud:

#youdontknowevangelicals if you've never had Church leaders prefer you being taught Christian doctrine by cartoon vegetables than by a woman

#youdontknowevangelicals if you've never walked into an unexpectedly empty house and wondered if the Rapture happened without you

Others have made me cringe with regret and sadness at the way that people have been treated by others in the church... 

That people in the church are making people feel inadequate, undervalued and disrespected is not okay. But whilst it might be common, it's not Jesus.

I see plenty of hurt in the church - too much... it's caused and inflicted by broken people. But the truth is that even when the church has let you down, Jesus hasn't - and he wont. There are those in the church (and in the rest of the world!) who oppress and blame and undervalue and mistreat. But there are also those in the world who really are being used by God... these are the people who build up and restore and listen and care. They encourage and invest in others and love deeply and fight for justice.

This is the church that I know and am proud to be a part of... we don't pretend to be perfect. The church is centred on the fact that we're broken and sinful and in need of a saviour. Even the most decent people will inflict pain at some point in their lives. But we do have a saviour. A saviour who radically fought against an oppressive culture and spoke of limitless love, generosity and peace. A saviour who defeated the power of sin and death and promised a future of hope.

So, here's my hands up - I am a Christian, I am an evangelical, I am flawed, I am sorry... But I know a God who loves me in my brokenness and chooses to use this messed up church to bring his hope to all the world.

Life After Uni

So, in the last 8 months I've finished uni, left the place I called home for 3 years, travelled around Italy, started a new job, moved into my own flat in a new place, joined a new church... and then life kind of settled down.

So in the interest of 'being real' and sharing about how life really is, here is one of a few lessons I've learned about 'life after uni'...

The years between leaving school and starting a job seem to be a blur of new places, new people, learning about yourself, learning about life, trips, travelling, essays, adventures, love, laughter, making crazily scary decisions about the rest of your life, squeezing as much life out of life as you can while you're relatively free of responsibility... I could go on.

I've spent the last 4 years absolutely relishing the adventure that life has been and I got used to the fast-paced, 'what-on-earth-is-coming-next?' kind of life...

But now I have a full time job, rent to pay, my friends are busy with work (as am I!) and are far away ...so what free time I have tends to be a pretty predictable pattern of time spent with my family and my boyfriend, time spent in front of the sink tackling the never-ending mountain of washing up that accumulates when you don't have a dishwasher but like to bake... and time spent with the Friends box-set that a friend from church lent me!

Things just aren't so exciting anymore. Don't get me wrong, there's so much about life that is so wonderful and that brings me so much joy... I love my job, and I love my new church and village. I love the variety and the banter and the wonderful people I'm surrounded by. I love being able to see so much more of my family and Tim. I love figuring out how to do life as an adult and I love the space and freedom that comes with living on my own for a while. But I'm having to come to terms with the fact that life has seasons of excitement and seasons of calmness. And it's taking me a while to get used to slowing down.

...Perhaps I should make the most of the peace while it lasts?

More joy than we realise!

I recently watched a film called 'Hector and the Search for Happiness' (as recommended by my amazing Mum and made possible by the fact that my boyfriend left his Netflix account logged in on my laptop!) In the film, Hector travels the world asking people whether they're happy and recording his findings about how people can be happy. He discovers things like 

'Happiness is feeling truly alive' 

'Making comparisons can spoil your happiness'

'Happiness is being loved for who you are'.

'Sweet potato stew!' 

Happiness and joy have been things I've been thinking about a lot lately. There seem to be so many people in the world, and even just among the group of people I spend time with, who seem to struggle to find it. Hey, I I think we all do sometimes, and that's okay! But read on...

Another of Hector's observations was;

'Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness.'

I really think our friend Hector might be on to something here. When I think about times I've been most happy, it hasn't been when I've set out to be happy, or to avoid being sad - it's just been a natural product of whatever situation I've been in. Times when I go out to spend time with a friend and we end up creasing up at stories we share, or I set out to help someone out and then enjoy a brilliant conversation with them, or I set my mind to achieving something new and as a result I find joy in the things I learn and the sense of accomplishment. These things might also bring us struggles, disappointments and trouble, but they are also much more likely to bring us joy than simply setting out to 'be happy' and I think we need to appreciate that more! Authentic joy can't be planned and created... but it can be experienced. 

A friend of mine recently gave me a Christian Aid Collective booklet, and in the front page it has this quote...

'All around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip or dance, just don't tiptoe.'

Shane Claiborne

What if we stopped worrying so much about things that might be difficult and instead started to look around us and appreciate the things that bring us joy and make us happy right now? There will always be struggles in life, but if we focus on them, we'll miss the joy! What if we spent more time talking about and appreciating the things that make us happy than the things that make us sad? I expect there might just be more joy in life than we realise :)

The best job in the world

A Facebook friend recently posted a quote from Pete Greig on Facebook which said "I think that being a youth worker is one of the hardest, most important and most undervalued jobs in the country."

In many ways, I absolutely agree. I know so many youth workers who are so often under-appreciated and misunderstood. It's one of those jobs that involves a lot more than what most people see... 

My friends probably think I spend all my time making a fool of myself, dressing up with pants on my head and chasing young people around. My young people probably think I spend all my time reading my Bible (either that or sleeping at the church the same way kids assume their teachers live at school!). I can imagine there are those who assume I spend all my time chilling out and occasionally leading a youth group in the evening. I like to think I spend all my time having life changing conversations with young people and leading them to God, but I'm all too aware of the truth, which is that often, the majority of my time is taken up with paperwork and meetings!

It would be easy to write a blog arguing the case for over-worked and undervalued youth workers, but I don't want to do that... because this evening I've just come back from a youth group where I had the chance to share the gospel with my young people and to see them respond. I got to work with a fantastic team of servant hearted volunteers and to spend my evening with a bunch of young people who make me laugh and celebrate life!

Youth work is hard, but it's fantastic. I love the variety and the challenge in seeing a need, having an idea, and doing everything necessary to make it happen. I love the process of walking alongside a young person as they journey through life. I love getting to watch God change people's lives. I love the variety of serious and ridiculous - I might be working at a computer in the morning, but come evening I'll be wearing a pair of tights on my head with a tennis ball in the end, trying to knock over a bottle before my opponent beats me to it! 

I might work weird and irregular hours and do a whole load of behind the scenes often unappreciated work, (and I might regret writing this in a few days or weeks time!) but I really do think youth work is brilliant. I think young people are brilliant and I think loads of our volunteers are brilliant and I think God is brilliant and I'm so glad that I get to work with them all!

Do we need to stop working so hard?

I recently learnt (again!) an important lesson about rest. In the midst of life and study and ministry its so easy to just keep going and never take any time out. Too often I find myself climbing into bed at the end of the day having not stopped since I left the house in the morning... part of that is the nature of youth work as I do admin in the day and then have youth groups in the evenings at a time when any other sane person would be having time off... but part of it is my own lack of planning and, if I'm honest, pride.

Again and again I seem to have to learn the lesson that my value and worth is not found in how much work I can do or how well I can do it. That is for God's glory - not mine, because ultimately, he is the one enabling it all to happen.

Instead, my value and my worth is found in my status as a daughter of the King of Kings.

Nothing I can do or fail to do will ever change that.

So today I woke up a little earlier and instead of getting up and going straight to work, I went for a walk. For the first time in too long I actually took the time to look around and appreciate the little things that make me smile - the sound of birds singing or surprised smile on the face of the postman I said 'hi' to.

As I walked, I remembered the familiar words of Psalm 23, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul."

Rest is a commandment and is something that God planned for us and wants for us. I'm glad he's reminded me of that and I hope we can all remember to stop every now and then and simply get some rest!