...and see that you are faithful

Well it's coming towards the end of another year, and inevitably many of us are looking back on the year that is passed to reminisce, and looking forward to the year that is to come, with hope and anticipation. I can't help but look back and find myself amazed at what God has done not only this year but over the past few years. 

Two years ago I was really struggling and wondering whether I would continue with my placement on the island - I was struggling with many things, in a place I didn't know, far away from all my friends and family and feeling out of my depth in my work. All I wanted to do was to leave... but now I find myself hoping to stay after I graduate!

Even just less than a year ago we were facing major challenges in the work that we do, but God has done so much through all the amazing people that I work with and I still have the absolute joy of spending my time investing in the lives of an amazing group of young people who are ever growing in their relationships with God and with each other, and working and doing life alongside an incredible team of people.

There is a song that I love by Elevation Worship which goes 

"I will look back and see that you are faithful, I look ahead believing you are able, Jesus Lord of all" (Listen here) 

Life isn't always easy; I don't think its supposed to be... but when I look back and see how far he has brought me and others around me, I can't even attempt to deny God's faithfulness . Two years ago I hated the island that I now absolutely love. God has surrounded me with so many incredible people, in a beautiful part of the world, doing work that is so fulfilling and so much fun and I'm learning more every day. 

Christmas reminds us that God is with us - he gave everything to be with us, and he always will be. If you're struggling right now - look back and see the ways that God has been faithful in the past, and know that he will be faithful in this too. If life is good right now, celebrate that - God is good! Let's celebrate this Christmas because God is with us, he's faithful, and he'll do more than we can ever ask or imagine. 

Why it's good to be vulnerable

I really struggle with small talk.

I love friendships and conversations that are sincere and deep. There is a time and a place for small talk and for discussing the weather and the price of eggs, but the heart of our friendships is formed on real conversation which demands honesty and vulnerability. Two of my favourite questions to ask my friends are 'what has God been teaching you lately?' and 'how is your heart?' - a question which says 'how are you?' without permission for an answer of 'I'm fine, how are you?'. 

I want to ask my friends questions which demonstrate to them that I really care about how they really are. I want to know about their struggles and their achievements, the things that they're excited about and the things that they fear. I want to have conversations about the things that we're learning. I want to reflect on life together and grow together.

It's in these conversations that friendships grow deep and that life really happens.

Deep conversations demand vulnerability. It's scary to share what's on your heart with another human being. But being willing to be vulnerable with the people we choose to be friends with is one of the most profitable things that we can do. It demonstrates trust, aids understanding and grows love.

In a few weeks time I'll be speaking at a youth event with the title 'Faith is Relational'. Its something I'm looking forward to exploring and writing because for a long time I've held the conviction that the most important things in life are our relationships with others. But if the best relationships with friends are the ones where we are willing to be vulnerable and share the depths of our hearts, surely the same applies to God? 

So many of our prayers are questions and requests... but some of the most powerful prayers are different from that. Some of the most powerful prayers are the one's where we just talk, where we say "God I'm so frustrated! I can't believe that this of all things would decide to happen today!" or "God I've had a brilliant day today, this happened and that happened and I'm so excited about this!"

God wants our hearts, not our lists. He is a relational God and he cares so deeply about each of us. Just like I want to hear from my friends about what is on their hearts, God wants the same from us. He wants us to trust him and love him and he wants to be there when we need to vent and when we want to get excited.

We're created as relational people and I truly believe that life is fuller when we're more open - with one another and with God.

So... How's your heart?

Why I'll never be satisfied and why that's a good thing

A while ago, a good friend of mine told me that he hopes that he is never satisfied in his relationship with God - that he hopes that he never reaches a place where he feels he is close enough to God.  I thought it was an odd thing to say, but I think I kind of get his point - God is so big and incredible that any state of thinking we've reached a place of knowing the fullness of him is surely an illusion.

There will always be more of God for me to know, there will always be a deeper intimacy with him available, and I so I should always be seeking more than I already have. 

In his letter to the Philippians, Paul wrote; "I want to know Christ... not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

The pursuit is unrelenting; the thirst for more of God is unquenchable. The more I find of Him, the more I want... and I find that really hard.

...but I'm beginning to learn that there is joy to be found in running towards God. With each step that takes me closer towards Him, I find a joy I've never known elsewhere. With each step deeper into intimacy with Him I experience more and more of his love - a love sweeter that I know how to describe. 

There is a song I've been listening to for a while called 'In Over My Head' (Which you can listen to here), the lyrics do a better job of describing this than I do...

I have come to this place in my life I’m full but I’ve not satisfied This longing to have more of YouI can feel it my heart is convincedI’m thirsty my soul can’t be quenched ... 

...Take me back to the place where my heart was only about YouAnd all I wanted was just to be with You... 

...Further and further my heart moves away from the shoreWhatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

The longing is insatiable, but the depths of intimacy with my creator are bottomless. But there is joy in the pursuit of Him and I'm only just beginning to discover it.

What I wish I'd believed at 13

I watch the young girls that I work with and I see so many patterns repeated in their lives from my own story... If I could write a letter to my girls to make them believe the things that would have been helpful to me at their age, it would go something like this...

Celebrate what makes you different.
In school, it seems like everyone has to fit it. Anything that makes you different is something that people might dislike about you - something that might make you noticeable for all the wrong reasons. But the truth is that often, once you get into the adult world, those are the things that make you unique - those are the things that people remember and love about you! Embrace who you are and don't hide in order to be like everyone else.

School isn't everything.
I'm not saying don't try your best and I'm not saying drop out of school... but I am saying that you don't need to panic about grades and you don't need to feel guilty about actually having a life outside of school work. There is so much more to learn in life than the stuff they teach you in school and you're only going to learn it if you get out there and live!

Relationships can wait.
Something I never would have believed when I was your age is that 8 years later - at 21, I would be so thankful that I didn't get into a serious relationship at your age. It seems like there are couples everywhere and sometimes all you want is a boyfriend who will walk through school holding hands with you and kiss you as you get on the school bus. Relationships are amazing, but they can also cause a lot of pain and a lot of regret - I would encourage you not to rush into it. Read about it, talk about it, pray about it... but wait for it!

Your parents are probably right.
Now, I could be wrong, because parents are people too and we all screw up and make mistakes, but if your parents are anything like mine, they only want what they think is best for you - and you can't deny that they've had a whole lot more life experience than you have! Sometimes even if its not what you want to hear, their advice can be pretty good and worth actually listening to.

You haven't met everyone yet.
We don't all click with everyone we meet, and if you haven't found some amazing life long friends at school that doesn't mean you're going to be alone forever - there are probably going to be so many people in your life who you will share so much with, and you simply haven't met them yet!

God is interested in you.
We all hear that God loves us, but you need to understand how true that is! He wants you. He loves you and he wants you to love him. He wants you to spend time with him... and he's great company! Invest in your relationship with him and start right now.

Now is Great

"So what are you going to do after you graduate?" must be the most common question that I get asked at the moment. 
The truth is, just like most other people I know who are at the same stage in their lives; I'm less sure now that I ever have been...

In our over organised British culture, this can be a terrifying place to be.

My life is dotted with lists and spreadsheets and calendars. I have always loved to plan - I love to know what's happening next and what I need to do now to be ready for it.

But now, with one year left of my degree, I don't know what's next. I don't know whether I'll get a job or an internship or go travelling or study more... I don't know where I'll live or who I'll live with, I don't know how much money I'll have and what my budget will be. I don't know. And I'm learning that that is okay. 

I'm learning that "now is great" and that enjoying the moment is an incredibly fulfilling way to live. 

How do I reconcile this with my ever-British compulsive need to have a plan? ...well, I do have a plan - I just don't know what it is!...

A good friend of mine from Uganda recently asked me what my expectations were for a Christian festival that I'm going to. He was genuinely shocked by my answer; "I don't know... whatever God wants to do." My friend explained that its such a counter-cultural attitude compared to his experience of most English people (and his experience of me a couple of years back!). Its an attitude that I'm learning to embrace because I know that my God has a plan and I don't always have to know what it is.

So what am I going to do after I graduate? I'm going to love God and love the people he puts in front of me. I'm going to do my best to trust him and follow him wherever he takes me and do whatever he asks me to do. I'm going to embrace not knowing because I never imagined that life would be how it is now, but God brought me here and now is great!

Let's not get so caught up in trying to figure out what to do next that we forget to live right now. Let's not worry so much about the future that we miss what's going on around us in the moment. Life is brilliant! Embrace it! Stop and look around and soak in all the details of a life you're living right now. Put the future into God's hands because there will always be a future to worry about but there is only ever one 'right now'.

Please stop asking me when I'm going to get married!

I recently brought a male friend to church, and he told me later that afternoon that people were winking at him during the service! We laughed, but I was actually disgusted by what this reflects of a much deeper issue. 

Some day, I would love to meet and marry a godly man who God wants me to 'do life' with. Right now though, I have no idea who that man is and believe it or not, that's okay and I'm happy!

I don't always love being single - my closest friends can definitely vouch for that. But the truth is that my life is about so much more than my relationship status. My life is great and I am so blessed and I am so happy. I live and work in a beautiful part of the world where I get to hang out with young people and introduce them to Jesus. I live close enough to the beach to just go there spontaneously for an evening. I have real meaningful friendships with wonderful people all around the world, many of whom I get to enjoy so much time with. I have a fantastic, supportive and loving family... I am blessed in so many ways, and just because I don't have a ring on my finger doesn't mean that I'm not happy or whole.

The thing is, especially in Christian circles, there is so much pressure. Even when people don't say it as bluntly, the message is the same; "when are you going to meet a nice boy and start a relationship?" I can't count how many people have actually said to my face that I should get a boyfriend.

"Oh do you think so? Okay, I'll go find one this afternoon!"

Telling me that I should get a boyfriend isn't going to make me get one - it's just going to make me believe that without one, I'm not enough. Asking me when I'm going to get married isn't going to make me find my husband, it's just going to make me wish that I'd already met him. Telling me that when you were my age you were already married and had a child is only going to make me feel like you think I'm somehow getting life wrong.

A man will not complete me - Jesus will. So if you want to talk relationships, ask me how my relationship with Jesus is going. Ask me what God has put on my heart lately. Ask me what I'm learning and what I'm struggling with and what I'm enjoying in my life.

Song of songs says repeatedly "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires". And I plan not to. My life started 21 years ago - and for most of those 21 years I have been single, and God has been using me, and I have been having a brilliant life. Some day, I hope to meet a godly man who I can begin a relationship with and eventually marry. But I will continue to be me and to be used by God, the difference will be that I will have the blessing of sharing that with my husband. But until then, I will continue to enjoy my life as a happy, blessed and fulfilled person.

So please, please, stop telling me and my single brothers and sisters that you were married at our age. Please stop asking us when we're going to begin a relationship. Please stop asking us whether we've found a 'nice young man (or girl)'. When we do, and we want you to know about it, we will let you know.

(One of) The Best Jobs in the World

Call me mad but this weekend I took a group of 8-18 year olds camping at SPREE 2015! Our young people spent the weekend playing on inflatables, swimming, squirting each other with water pistols and making fires. We ate some amazing food, ran around in the woods, sat on the grass making friendship bracelets and chatted about God's love and rescue plan.

Youth work is exhausting... somehow, in a weekend we attempted to build relationships, introduce young people to Jesus, keep them hydrated and fed, prevent sunburn, deal with scrapes, not lose anyone, entertain everyone, find lost possessions, teach kids how to be responsible, answer really deep theological questions... I could go on! And all that on 4 hours sleep! (Yes, they got up with the sun at 5am!)

But the truth is, although I came home on Sunday evening with absolutely no energy left, I came home with a real gratitude to God for the work that I get to do. I may deal with a lot of drama and madness and yes, sometimes my young people drive me slightly crazy, but I have a love for them beyond any capacity I ever thought myself capable of. I get to chat and laugh and cry with them. I get to pray with them and share my faith with them. I get to watch them grow as they let God transform them and I get to journey with them through their struggles and trials.

2 years ago the one thing that I was sure I would never do was youth work - I wasn't cool enough or capable enough for that... but as I've trusted him, God has shown me what it means to let him work through us. 2 years ago I didn't think myself capable of loving this many people this much, but as I've prayed, God has grown my heart to truly and genuinely love these young people in a way that only he can, and has opened my eyes to see these young people how he sees them.

So whether I'm cleaning up mess, comforting a frightened 10 year old, disciplining a cheeky teenager or praying with an excited group of young girls, I do it all from a place of love that only my heavenly Father can make. I do it all only because my God is so much bigger than my own abilities and self-expectations and I give him all the glory and thanks because he's blessed me so much to spend my time investing in these precious young lives.